Trying to Adapt

I didn’t realize that so much time had past since I last posted here. There have been changes in my life over the past month. Some good, some bad. Strangely the good and the bad relate to the exact same things.

DM did end up having to lay off all of his employees. He ended up moving his office into our house and is now working from home. The good thing is that we will be just fine, financially, now that he doesn’t have to pay out any wages or health insurance costs. We both feel very positive that this will be the best decision for our family. It is also great that DM is able to spend more time with DLM. I really feel it will help their relationship immensely.

The bad part is that DM is home ALL. FUCKING. DAY. Don’t misunderstand. I love DM very much. But I need my time to myself. I don’t feel I should have to justify or explain how I am choosing to spend my time or the way I am choosing to raise our son or manage our home. I don’t need to keep him up to date on every little noise or creak that our house makes. Or explain why I am choosing to go up or downstairs for a moment. The fucking micromanagement is going to drive me up the fucking wall. I am hoping it will pass as the newness of the situation wears off. But for now, DLM and I spend a lot of time upstairs in his room playing or going for walks. We run random errands, too, just as an excuse to get out of the house.

I am so not interested in giving a play by play of what I am doing. You know? It makes me fucking crazy when I need to run outside for a minute to get something out of my car and this conversation insues.

*as I am opening the front door*
DM:Where are you going?
Me:Out to my car for a sec.
DM:Why?
Me:I need to get something.
DM:What?
Me:Something!

I mean JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Is this conversation really necessary?! In the time it took us to have this ridiculous conversation I could have retrieved the item I was after and all questions would have been answered.

Am I being a total douche about this? Please tell me. Because it makes me want to tear my face off when anyone does this to me.

Anyways, it’s been a blessing and a struggle all at the same time.

Another fun thing is that DLM is in his “I know I can’t explain what it is I need, but you better give it to me right this instant OR I WILL SHOOT FUCKING FLAMES OUT OF MY FACE!!!” phase, right now, which is fun. So I spend the majority of my time trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation without killing anyone. This usually involves me calmly putting DLM in his playpen and letting him know that he can scream all he wants in there and when he is ready to be calm I will get him out, along with DM yelling from the other room for DLM to be quiet. (Not really sure yet how yelling at someone to stop yelling is really going to give the right message.) And then asking DM to please stop yelling and that it is very important that we be on the same page when it comes to rearing our son.

Fuck me. I am just to overwhelmed and exhausted these days I don’t know how much more I can take.

So for now, I just take many many many deep breaths and remind myself that I love my boys more than anything in the world and that this phase will pass for both of them. But, still, any words of encouragement that you can offer would be well received.

I am Just Sick

Today DM got a phone call from his biggest client telling him he was pulling the plug on all projects DM currently had for him in his office. He, too, has hit hard times. So not only does DM not have any new work in, what little work he did have is now gone for who knows how long.

We have to decide what is going to happen and on Monday tell his employees whether or not they still have a job.

I think this is the beginning of the end. What the fuck are we going to do?

We Might Lose Everything

Without getting into specifics, DM’s business has been suffering, just as everyone’s has been in this shitty economy. But now things are really getting scary. Come this Friday, he will be completely out of work with no money coming in. He will have no way to make payroll, let alone pay the mortgage on our house.

He is currently speaking to a bank about loan options, to see if he wants to risk getting even farther in debt to try to get the company back on it’s feet. I have no idea what he is going to do. Part of me really wants to tell him to shut it down. It has caused him nothing but stress. And I am so TIRED of having him come home feeling angry and defeated.

Not that things would be easier if he did. We would have to sell our home. We would probably lose our cars and we would have to move in with my parents. (I say my parents, because I already paid my fucking dues living with TDW before we were even married. I would rather live in a shelter than live with that shit again.) It is very likely we would have to declare bankruptcy. That make me sick. We have excellent credit (over 700 on our scores) and we have ABSOLUTELY no personal debt other than our mortgage. No one is safe. No one.

DM has also reached a point where he is so depressed about how his life has turned out that he just doesn’t give a fuck anymore. Do you know how hard that is? To have a husband that had SUCH drive that now can barely get the energy to get off the couch on the weekend?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know what to say or how to ease his burden.

I feel so fucking helpless.

I Don’t Know About Today

I feel very sad today. So many things are not how I thought they would be.

I didn’t think that I would be reprimanded and lectured by my own husband before he even said good morning.

I didn’t think that I would become his scapegoat for every stress in his life.

I didn’t think he would be so critical of how I am trying to raise our son and yet offer no suggestions or words of advice.

I never thought I would wonder what the point of our relationship was. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know, anymore.

I never thought I would be scared to talk to him about anything. And now I am dreading the conversation I have to have with him about money we owe on medical bills. Like he is going to get pissed at me for causing is to owe so much money. It’s not my fucking fault our insurance will only cover so much.

I am so tired of being blamed for everything that goes wrong in his life. It’s not my fault.

Do you hear me? IT’S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT!!!

Family

You know how there are some people who call their in-laws, “Mom and Dad?” Yeah I don’t get that.

TDW has been signing birthday cards to me, “love, Mom” and introducing me to people as, “her daughter.” Um, ‘scuse me? NO. Not your kid. THANK. FUCKING. GOD.

Why does this piss me off? Well for one, she didn’t go through the pleasure of squirting me out her vag (oh god, the visual I just had!!), and she didn’t put up with all of my shenanigans and still love me unconditionally. What has she done? Treat me like a GOD.DAMN. five year old who needs to be told to remember to close the door when he goes outside and to wipe is ass after he takes a shit.

HOLY FUCK WOMAN! Let’s recap a few facts shall we?

1. I am not your child.
2. I am over 30 years old.
3. I did not ask for your opinion on ANYTHING
4. Did I mention, I AM NOT YOUR KID!

(deep breaths……fuck I can’t stand her.)

I want to punch her in the throat when she refers to Captain Boohoo and myself as sisters. Kill me. If anyone bitched and moaned as much as she did in MY family, you would have had your face slapped off. And rightfully so. Grow up. Guess who CB’s idol is? Just guess?

A GODDAMN ASS!! The mopiest fuck on the planet.

I can’t take it. Really I can’t.

Oh, Gaaawwwwd. Do I Have Too?!

Da Man (DM) and I have a kid, Da Little Man (DLM). DLM spends a great amount of time with my family, because I want them to be a huge influence on him during his formative years. This is a brilliant, witty, kind, and loving group of people. Call me biased but I couldn’t think of a better bunch of people to raise a child around.

DM wants DLM to spend as much time as possible with his mother, That Damn Woman (TDW), which is understandable. But not going to happen…at least if I am the one who is going to be responsible for taking him to see her. I can’t stand that fucking woman and the thought of any part of her behavior or personality leeching onto DLM makes me cringe!!!

What does she do that’s so irritating? Well for starters she is a HUGE paranoid hypochondriac. She is constantly going ON AND ON about how she disinfects every last inch of her house with alcohol wipes. She even wipes off HER OWN thermometer (THAT NO ONE ELSE, IN THE WHOLE WORLD, USES!!) with an alcohol wipe after she has taken her temperature, which I’m sure is 20 times a day. I wanted to ask her if she burned her toothbrush after she finished brushing her teeth, but couldn’t think of a way to say it without sounding like I thought she was completely up in the night.

Here are some other funs things that one (and it’s not just me, this goes for everyone) gets to deal with when going to her house:

• After you use a glass to get ice from the ice maker in the fridge, she wipes it down with an alcohol swab.
• If you get out a plate and then decide you don’t really need it, you can’t put it back in the cupboard. OH NO! Now it is fucking RIDDLED with germs and must be sterilized.
• Her list of a thousand items that you could possibly own that have been recalled.

Kill me.

When we take DLM over there, I purposely drop his binkie on the ground and don’t wipe it off before giving it back to him, because I know it just makes her head want to explode. Ha! Give me a fucking break. The world is a dirty place and he needs to built up a tolerance. It’s like iocaine powder. I am not going to have this kid afraid of life.

Not Making That Mistake, Again.

I have another blog.  No.  I’m not going to tell you its name.  That would totally defeat the purpose of starting this one.  My very own blog.  A blog where everyone DOESN’T know my name.  A blog full of anonymity.

Heaven.

I say this because I made the mistake of telling family and friends about my other one.  And then, through the years, realized I had no place to call my own.  No place where I could vent about the hypochondriac bullshit of my mother-in-law, my whiny bitch ass sisters-in-law, or anything else I wanted to get off my chest.

Well things are changing, so watch out.  It is so on.