12 Feb
Today DM got a phone call from his biggest client telling him he was pulling the plug on all projects DM currently had for him in his office. He, too, has hit hard times. So not only does DM not have any new work in, what little work he did have is now gone for who knows how long.
We have to decide what is going to happen and on Monday tell his employees whether or not they still have a job.
I think this is the beginning of the end. What the fuck are we going to do?
12 Feb
Without getting into specifics, DM’s business has been suffering, just as everyone’s has been in this shitty economy. But now things are really getting scary. Come this Friday, he will be completely out of work with no money coming in. He will have no way to make payroll, let alone pay the mortgage on our house.
He is currently speaking to a bank about loan options, to see if he wants to risk getting even farther in debt to try to get the company back on it’s feet. I have no idea what he is going to do. Part of me really wants to tell him to shut it down. It has caused him nothing but stress. And I am so TIRED of having him come home feeling angry and defeated.
Not that things would be easier if he did. We would have to sell our home. We would probably lose our cars and we would have to move in with my parents. (I say my parents, because I already paid my fucking dues living with TDW before we were even married. I would rather live in a shelter than live with that shit again.) It is very likely we would have to declare bankruptcy. That make me sick. We have excellent credit (over 700 on our scores) and we have ABSOLUTELY no personal debt other than our mortgage. No one is safe. No one.
DM has also reached a point where he is so depressed about how his life has turned out that he just doesn’t give a fuck anymore. Do you know how hard that is? To have a husband that had SUCH drive that now can barely get the energy to get off the couch on the weekend?
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know what to say or how to ease his burden.
I feel so fucking helpless.
2 Feb
I feel very sad today. So many things are not how I thought they would be.
I didn’t think that I would be reprimanded and lectured by my own husband before he even said good morning.
I didn’t think that I would become his scapegoat for every stress in his life.
I didn’t think he would be so critical of how I am trying to raise our son and yet offer no suggestions or words of advice.
I never thought I would wonder what the point of our relationship was. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know, anymore.
I never thought I would be scared to talk to him about anything. And now I am dreading the conversation I have to have with him about money we owe on medical bills. Like he is going to get pissed at me for causing is to owe so much money. It’s not my fucking fault our insurance will only cover so much.
I am so tired of being blamed for everything that goes wrong in his life. It’s not my fault.
Do you hear me? IT’S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT!!!
Signed, Ms. Dutch 