Oh, Gaaawwwwd. Do I Have Too?!

Da Man (DM) and I have a kid, Da Little Man (DLM). DLM spends a great amount of time with my family, because I want them to be a huge influence on him during his formative years. This is a brilliant, witty, kind, and loving group of people. Call me biased but I couldn’t think of a better bunch of people to raise a child around.

DM wants DLM to spend as much time as possible with his mother, That Damn Woman (TDW), which is understandable. But not going to happen…at least if I am the one who is going to be responsible for taking him to see her. I can’t stand that fucking woman and the thought of any part of her behavior or personality leeching onto DLM makes me cringe!!!

What does she do that’s so irritating? Well for starters she is a HUGE paranoid hypochondriac. She is constantly going ON AND ON about how she disinfects every last inch of her house with alcohol wipes. She even wipes off HER OWN thermometer (THAT NO ONE ELSE, IN THE WHOLE WORLD, USES!!) with an alcohol wipe after she has taken her temperature, which I’m sure is 20 times a day. I wanted to ask her if she burned her toothbrush after she finished brushing her teeth, but couldn’t think of a way to say it without sounding like I thought she was completely up in the night.

Here are some other funs things that one (and it’s not just me, this goes for everyone) gets to deal with when going to her house:

  • After you use a glass to get ice from the ice maker in the fridge, she wipes it down with an alcohol swab.
  • If you get out a plate and then decide you don’t really need it, you can’t put it back in the cupboard. OH NO! Now it is fucking RIDDLED with germs and must be sterilized.
  • Her list of a thousand items that you could possibly own that have been recalled.
  • Kill me.

    When we take DLM over there, I purposely drop his binkie on the ground and don’t wipe it off before giving it back to him, because I know it just makes her head want to explode. Ha! Give me a fucking break. The world is a dirty place and he needs to built up a tolerance. It’s like iocaine powder. I am not going to have this kid afraid of life.

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